Parenting and career
Can we thrive in both roles? Or must we settle for just about managing?
Managing the vision
Close your eyes. What do you see when you visualise a mother returning to work following maternity leave or a career break? A juggler? Or a woman split down the middle – suit on one side, mum clothes on the other? Familiar imagery for women who grapple with the rollercoaster that is working and parenting. It’s an unpredictable ride, full of highs and lows. But can we prepare ourselves better for it? Can we brace for the challenges, step back from the feeling that we lack control, and ask for help when we need it? Can we set ourselves positive boundaries and avoid burnout? And how do we manage the nagging guilt that we are not really succeeding in either role?
Managing economic factors
In his time as chancellor, Jeremy Hunt’s proposals for childcare reforms were rooted in the idea that a mother’s time was wasted sitting at home when she could be economically active. Whilst at face value, simply an attempt to boost the economy, at their heart, they ignored many key arguments and made assumptions. Chiefly, that all women have the same priorities – to put their children into childcare and get back to work. When, of course, the narrative around being a mother and working is far more nuanced. There is no doubt that the uplifted status of women and improved legislation have shifted gender stereotypes and brought women real choice; however, in the UK, current policies on tax, child benefit and pensions also penalise families. Whilst statistics show that approximately 71% of women are in employment, this may not be by choice, and two-thirds of working mothers say they would like to work less and spend more time with their children.
There is every reason to think women are right to instinctively feel this. Consider ‘The 1000 days movement’ founded in 2010, which is based on scientific evidence and identifies ‘a powerful window of opportunity’ from a woman’s pregnancy to a child’s second birthday. In neuroscience terms, nutrition, relationships and environment shape a child’s future. In practice, a stable caregiver and home environment lead to positive outcomes for individuals, families and society.
‘Studies show that countries that fail to invest in the well-being of women and children in the first 1,000 days lose billions of dollars to lower economic productivity and higher health costs.’
As Dominic Lawson put it in The Sunday Times recently,
‘Raising children is not ‘laziness’. It is valuable work and important to the well-being of our society.’
The facts, however, signal that we are woefully behind many other countries in policies that support families. Thinktank Civitas estimates from ONS figures that there are 2.9 million women with children aged 0-4 in England; however,
“There are 2 million mums who would prefer to reduce their hours but work out of financial necessity.”
Moreover, among the 1.34 million stay-at-home parents, a considerable proportion would like to work if childcare were more affordable. The issues and barriers are manifold. Childcare, for example, is of variable quality and often unaffordable, and whilst men are stepping up, outside of the workplace, women still do the bulk of unpaid care. In short, the world of work for women is still not equal.
To add to this, a recent report by cross-party MPs declared the UK’s statutory parental leave system ‘one of the worst in the developed world.’ Statutory paternity leave was introduced in 2003 and has changed little in the past 2 decades. Those eligible receive £187.18 a week or 90% of their average earnings, whichever is lower. This is less than half of the National Living Wage. Self-employed fathers and those earning less than £123 a week are ineligible. As such, UK paternity leave rules ‘entrench outdated gender stereotypes.’
By contrast, across Europe, the approach is far more progressive:
In Spain, fathers can take 16 weeks of paid leave.
In France fathers can spend 28 days at home while being paid.
In Sweden, families receive 480 paid days of parental leave, with 90 days retained for fathers.
In Denmark, fathers, including the self-employed, can take up to 24 weeks off work at full pay by the state. There is even the opportunity to transfer weeks to the birth partner as extra maternity leave.
The UK system, which barely scratches out 14 days of paternity leave, cannot be good for families, especially those without a good local support network. There is clearly much to improve and much more nuance to these issues than simply advocating universal childcare as the best approach. In a 2024 report for Civitas, Dr Maria Lyonreviewed 40 studies onto the benefits of universal childcare for under-threes. The evidence in favour was scant, and her conclusion as follows,
‘For some families, affordable, accessible, high-quality professional childcare is the answer. For other families, quite possibly a majority of families, the answer is more rather than less time spent together. The political imposition of a one-size-fits-all approach to the care and upbringing of young children is not good for parents, it is not good for society, and it is not good for children.’
Managing identity and expectation
So, assuming the logistics of childcare can be navigated, where does this leave working women? In the early haze of parenting, there is little time for reflection, and it is common to forget or feel completely disconnected from the person you were before having a baby. As such, it seems worthwhile to consider a proactive rather than reactive approach here. What if we wrote it down? ‘Notes to self…’ about our purpose, role and identity before becoming a parent. Just a few words committed to paper – an aide memoire of our pre motherhood self. In addition, many of us readily set detailed birth plans, so why not parenting plans? What about writing a brief, flexible outline of our expectations and of the parent we hope to be. With an emphasis on the flexible.
Managing balance – the personal and the professional me
There is no getting away from it. Balance is elusive. There is very little slack. Take child illness as just one example, where even in the most co-operative and equal relationships, it is often mothers who miss work to do the caring. Call it outdated societal expectation, the motherhood career penalty, or a lack of workplace flexibility, all are contributing factors. It is very easy to slip into a loop of feeling guilty all the time. Not good enough at my job. Not a good enough parent. Either missing deadlines or missing milestones. The scales are hard to balance, however, replacing self-criticism with compassion and self-care is essential.
Managing time and learning acceptance
The tension inherent in parenting and working is obvious – raising children is likely to be the most emotionally complex role you will undertake. No aspect of it will be perfect. Neither you nor your child is a robot, and a lot of guilt can come from chasing unrealistic ideals. Being truly present and ‘in the room’ with your child, even for short periods, seems far more powerful than hours spent alongside them while your smartphone governs. Equally, accepting that the ‘professional you’ is also a human being with a full range of emotions is crucial. There is a lot that children can learn from seeing your challenges and from the way you model independence, purpose, problem-solving, and a strong work ethic.
Managing support
The notion, ‘It takes a village to raise a child,’ is poignant. We all need a support network and the ability to ask for help. In both parenting and the workplace, much will be challenging, much will pass, as stages do, and yet you cannot do it all alone. Partners, parents, siblings, relatives, friends, neighbours, teachers, colleagues, mentors, and community groups can all help us feel connected rather than isolated. It should not be too much to expect both personal and professional connections to listen to you and make you feel valued and seen.
Flexibility and agency
Notwithstanding the constraints mentioned earlier, in the post-COVID, WFH era, many people, either through necessity or choice, reassessed their working lives and what was important to them. Couple this with an increased drive for change in the field of flexible roles for women, and it begins to feel like there is greater agency of choice. This momentum can be harnessed when it comes to managing parenting and career. Consider very carefully what counts as success. Be strategic in goal setting – look for flexible employers and try to negotiate your terms. It is fine to think long term, but also to start small. A transition back into the workplace is a good time to reset expectations. At times, it will be both messy and imperfect, but definitely don’t give up on finding a professional role that truly works for you.
And one last thing which might resonate…
Who Knew?
Who knew the need for coffee
The desire for a caffeine hit
How impossible it would become
Both to drink it and to sit
Who knew there was no privacy
Not even on the loo
That even a closed bedroom door
Would always be barged through
Who knew about the bodily fluids
The blood, the tears, the snot
The verrucae and the headlice
How primary school offered the lot
Who knew it entailed so much breakage
Of appliances, glass and bones
That so many trips to A&E would be had
Long before the teenage hormones
Who knew you’d need such expertise
In patience and negotiating skills
That the days would feel like marathons
The route paved with bills and spills
Who knew the parenting career mix
Would drain you completely each night
That literally and metaphorically
You’d never again travel light
https://www.civitas.org.uk/2023/05/10/mothers-preferences-over-childcare-and-work/
Civitas: Institute for the Study of Civil Society Universal childcare
‘Two weeks of paternity leave is just too little for the 21st Century’ – BBC News
How UK paternity leave compares to the rest of Europe – BBC News